I stand in the shadows, watching as my life passes me by, Watching as my only reason for living gets further and further away and i feel powerless to stop it.

We all have that one thing, that we need above everything else, above air, above water, sometimes you don’t even know what it is.

I discovered long ago what i needed more than anything, but it was always out of reach, no matter how hard i reached for it, I always came up short.

It’s like the moment I discovered what i needed, nothing could replace it and though i have tried over and over, nothing even comes close.

So what do i do? How do i continue to fight? How can i reach that which i can’t live without? it’s so close and yet so far away.

I am lost, and i can’t find the will to continue, and i don’t think anyone really cares. I remember so much but I know so little, My tears fall, bringing to the surface the sadness within.


Something always clouds the path, you never can know for sure what you should do.

I stand unmovable in absolute certainty that what must be done is right, yet I am unable to move, paralyzed by fear, as a pale shape with the head of a lion appears in the shadows and whispers you know what must be done, i feel the fear well up in me.

“But i can’t, I can’t loose this” The pale figure pauses, to say: But you must, you can’t move forward if you do not get past this fear.

“Yes, but, I can’t move forward if I lose this battle, it will destroy me” All battles must be fought weather we want to or not.

“I just don’t know how, If I carry this banner, if I light this torch, I could fall.” That is the risk all great leaders take, you must find it within yourself to take what you want so dearly.

“I know, I want it more than anything I have ever wanted, since as long as I can remember, I know I will not survive without it, But I also know my very action could destroy it” Again the figure pauses to consider me, You must come to terms, that even though you may lose, you will never win if you don’t try.

“But what if it all goes wrong? I’ll be here, cold forever!!” I yell at the dark emptiness which the figure once stood

What’s wrong

What have i done wrong, I am almost certain I have forgotten something, Missed something important.

Could it be? hard to know for sure, and I need to be sure, because if i’m wrong it could destroy my whole world. The risk is so great that I obsess and debate over and over and over. Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to choose to take the risk or not, Knowing full well it could cost you everything.

Everything that matters, it’s both necessary and difficult, How can you decide when the action itself could cause the very thing you dread so much, but without action their can be no reaction.

I don’t give up easily, this much is true, but the fear of losing holds me back, losing is not an option, i won’t survive without it, Yet i stand frozen in place unable to act, as if time is frozen in place, and yet. Everything keeps moving surrounding, closing in, it feels like if i do nothing i will still loose anyway.

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Most of the time I think there is no point in all this, Everything always feels like I made a wrong turn somewhere. Missed something important, Did you forget to do something? Did you not pursue something you should have? What did you do to lose that which matters most?

I spend most of my time these days thinking I have lost that which I never had, it leaves me with a feeling that i’m lost, frozen incapable of moving forward without the missing piece. it feel as it’s been lost for so long that i won’t find it again.

Something doesn’t have to be invisible to be lost, merely out of reach, The worst part of this is you can’t go on without that which brings your being into harmony, You may even know what it is, but its ever so slightly out of range, you grasp for it, wishing more than anything that you could reach it, but it just doesn’t seem possible, no matter how much you need it, you always feel like you can’t have it.

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The true sign of HellsWinter

This website has been many things over the years. I had originally thought of just putting a a timeline memorial page here describing all the thing done with this domain over the years.

But that just seemed a little too boring for my tastes, and i have been considering doing the “blog” thing for a bit, so i said you know this would make an epic blog.

So here it is, Welcome to the HellsWinter blog, Still working on the theme.

So, even though I said it was boring, I figure I should at least give a brief overview of what i have done with this domain over the years i’ll keep it short.

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