Most of the time I think there is no point in all this, Everything always feels like I made a wrong turn somewhere. Missed something important, Did you forget to do something? Did you not pursue something you should have? What did you do to lose that which matters most?
I spend most of my time these days thinking I have lost that which I never had, it leaves me with a feeling that i’m lost, frozen incapable of moving forward without the missing piece. it feel as it’s been lost for so long that i won’t find it again.
Something doesn’t have to be invisible to be lost, merely out of reach, The worst part of this is you can’t go on without that which brings your being into harmony, You may even know what it is, but its ever so slightly out of range, you grasp for it, wishing more than anything that you could reach it, but it just doesn’t seem possible, no matter how much you need it, you always feel like you can’t have it.
The illusion that your life is frozen in place is overwhelming, unbalanced it’s like your counterweight is missing, without it so too are you unbalanced. I’ve searched forever, for something to fill that spot, that only one ever has.
I sometimes wonder, are things truly balanced, is there one solution to every problem? I’m starting to believe this is true, perhaps there can be alternatives to a problem, but i think there is only one true solution, only one way to achieve perfect harmony.
Without this unique, one of a kind counterpart, the imbalance will always be present, it can be suppressed and substituted, as i have done so many times, but there is only one way to feel whole.
I wish I felt like thing were right, but i haven’t for a long time, I fight the depression, but it’s like a double edged sword, others would say you are letting it rule over you, but the problem i have with that is, if i give up on what i need what i feel, would i still be myself? I am how i feel, to not do so would not be me.
I don’t know, sometimes I feel like it will never happen and I will be lost like this forever, and that scares me, Knowing how broken i feel now, I can only imagine how it will escalate over time, it’s nearly unbearable now, as i stare into the stars wondering which choices and which actions lead history to this point. Was i not paying attention when i should have been? Was I too caught up searching in the wrong direction that i didn’t notice the chance passing me by?
I worry that i will never catch it again.